Well, I knew it was too sudden for him to change his decision. I talked to his friend Y.A via sms and thanks to him, I derived some comfort and advice. I mean, he's got no one else who's that close to him back in school so this guy was the next best thing.

Amazingly, I found it easy to talk to him even though I don't know him that well and that I've only met him on one occassion. It was of course, a huge relief that he zips in and out of 1n2 quite a bit, and that I've seen him around since the good 'ol days of November '99.

He asked me whether I was the jealous type and I readily admitted that yes, I am. I told him that I did tell his friend the entire truth about me as well as my idiosyncrasies. I told him that I've been and am still flexible enough in the course of the relationship. I told him that I never stopped encouraging my dear to make more friends who are ladies. I told him that I never stopped him from going out with them and making more friends. All because I love and trust this person. I care for him. I am willing to share his problems and family responsibilities. I want to understand him and I am trying to.

But he won't let me. So what can I do?

Of course, Y.A advised me to not give up on my dear and give him some time to clear his head and all, pray very hard for the best, yada yada yada...well, you get what I mean. And I don't mean to give up. I don't want to give up. But I'm wondering, how long can I last? And how can I get inside his mind without him pushing me away?

Easier said than done.

I guess this is as honest as I can get. I mean, I was slightly vague on what happened during "that" time but this is the real deal. The nitty gritty. I don't think I need to spell it out for you, those of whom weren't that quite clear.

Things like this happen all the time. It's a first for me, and I don't know if I'm handling it the way I should, but I'm doing the best I can. I'm trying not to be too affected by it, engaging myself in television, books, music, baking and the likes. Still, television tops the list. I find myself absolutely being whisked away into TVland when I'm facing the gogglebox. Yum. It's not always I'm glued to it all day, only getting up when I need to pee or pray. :p

Sometimes, I'm so good at deceiving myself that I marvel at me. Well, I think not only myself, but also those around me. I don't know, my family of course, never notices anything. They didn't even know when I had my first boyfriend. *smirk* But friends aren't that easy to trick. Some of them who tend to overlook the little things won't of course realise anything, but for those who are very pertinent, they will observe the slight changes in me.

Of course, if I'd wanted to be obvious, I'd have sobbed and wept every single time I was in front of them, whining about my plight. But this entry, this is not whining. This is my way of letting out all my frustrations and what's inside my head. I have a trillion million dozen things that are just bursting to escape, but I'm not quite sure which I should let out first. Which explains why I'm typing in a rather incoherent manner. My brain is sending me signals you see, trying to keep calm at the same time. If not I'm liable to just break down in the middle of nowhere.

Well now you know. I'm dealing with it, dealing with it.

Darn, I've got tons of kitchen cleaning-ups to do.