Even before Ramadhan started, I'd started feeling depressed. Not because the holy month was coming but because I know my family won't ever be like other families.

We're not the sort to sit down and decide on things together. We each have separate ideas on what to do with the house. And sometimes, some of us don't even bother. Maybe that's how I received my nonchalant attitude where I just don't care what happens. Hm.

My mam doesn't bake cookies nor cook for Eid. Last year I did the cooking and tried some baking. This year I made the effort of getting new baking utensils so that I could at least have a spot of decent baking.

Other things? Curtains? Cushion covers? Carpet? We don't sew. We don't buy. We use whichever ones are left from the 70s or 80s. That's right, that's the state of MY house. And as for decorations like flowers or ornaments or the such, forget them. Those things are non-existent in MY house.

I mean, maybe it's because we don't have that much to spare. As the eldest child it's my duty to understand. Hell, I want to understand and I actually DO understand and I try to just brush it off because I want to set a good example to my brother and I don't want my dad to think that I'm whining.

I don't think I have ever whined in all my years, even when I was a kid. I only whined once and that was when we had to move house. I admit, I appear to be a rude child but I think I have the right to speak when I'm not in the wrong. I mean, I don't know, my parents never brought me up to be rude, but they certainly never taught me that I should shut my mouth if I'm not wrong.

I mean, why should I? They did say never to talk back at the elders, because whatever we say, they are always right. I used to accept that but now that I'm growing older, I don't see so much truth in it. They're not right ALL the time. They get more childish and more stubborn as they age. My grandmother (mam's mother) is a living example. I used to be very rude to her but I've toned down over the years because I'm far more mature than her at my age to see that she enjoys bullying others, especially my mam.

Just because MY mam isn't as active as she used to be, and just because MY mam forgets things more easily now, still, it doesn't give my grandma the right to scold her and domineer over her. It's just sad that you are doing it to someone who's not even your real flesh and blood. For your info, my mam's adopted. But since she was nursed by this particular grandma, in Islam, she's considered to be just like a real mother to my mam, thus making her real children my mam's siblings.

I don't like it at all. I know that my aunts and uncles don't mean to make fun of my mam, but I also know that they do talk about her behind her back. I've been present on those occasions. They're just concerned over her health, I understand that, and they keep reminding me to take good care of her, which I am trying my very best to do. But I just cannot take it when they speak as if she has lost her mind. I especially don't like Eid for this particular reason. They speak nicely to her and offer her food but I know they're just patronising her. Especially those from my dad's side. I KNOW they look down on us. We're not that well-off and I'm just a trainee teacher. I just know it. Call it my instinct. I just know.

I just get depressed when the season comes. Not say totally, but the melancholy is there.

I can't do anything right. Not at Eid, not in school, not in anything. I notice that I'm always that mediocre person. I don't like to compare myself with other people, but when others do, what do I do?

What do I do?

Do I really deserve this Eid?