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 26.09.2001 Wednesday @ 12:14 a.m. *Thoughts* Right about 5 minutes after 12. I still feel down. I mean, now that I know what the P said exactly about me, it hurts. But well...gotta take it in my stride. But then that's not the most worrying thing, no. The most worrying thing is the fear that I might get axed. I mean, seriously, I'm scared as hell. I've heard so much about previous contract teachers getting axed cos the P wasn't happy with them. I find it so unfair. I mean, they sure didn't have any training and she expects them to give the same level of work that the trained ones give. I pray to God time and again to save me from being axed...and I also pray to Him to give me strength and the willpower to brave this through. I don't have anyone else, just gotta depend on myself. I mean, I cried cos of this just now on the phone with Maria...it's a blessing she called me up. I mean like, I'm sorry for complaining but I really felt lost and down and demoralised and it's a blessing that she was willing to listen as a friend. I didn't want to tell anyone but then again, that's my weakness. I have to start telling and asking people things. Share with them, be friendly, be more open. Guess I have to start trying again...sigh. I'm so scared. What if I get axed? Then I'll be blacklisted and I can't join NIE. And I can't teach and I won't have a job. And I can't support my family. And our financial situation will be worse off than ever. And..and.. I did wonder about standing in the middle of the road just now and let myself be knocked over by a lorry. Astarghfirullahalazim... |
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