But who am I? What am I doing? Why was I born? What's my mission in life? What? I don't know. I myself can't even answer that. Am I here to be a daughter? A responsible child and sister? A teacher? A music-lover? A conscientious worker? A hypocrite? A girlfriend? A vocalist? A writer?

What?

I don't know if I'm really any of that. Sometimes after getting on for a while, I get confused. Why am I here now? Why are there people who acknowledge me and vice-versa? Why this? Why that?

I can't get every answer at one shot. I only know some bits here and there. Like a chocolate chip cookie, there are bits and pieces to be discovered. There might be a chip hidden deep inside the cookie but if I don't bite into it, I won't know it's there. If I don't seek the answers, I won't know them at all. I get dizzy at times just trying to discover myself.

I've always said I enjoy being alone, which I do. Undeniably I do. There's nothing like the feeling of freedom, having the freedom to go where I want, to eat what I want even if I get indecisive...I can be indecisive on all occasions if I want to! There's nothing like listening to what I want and not having to bother to what anyone is saying. They might be sprouting crap for all I care but I won't even have to care. At times I'm made that way. I know I can mutate, I can change, I can adapt. I can be such a good listening ear if I want to. Drop everything and focus my attention to someone else's problems and woes. I might be boasting now, but that's just me. Whoever said I'm perfect? I didn't say I was.

There are also times when I don't want to bother. I don't want to know. I get sick when the same old people bombard me with this and that. The same old this and that. (For those of you reading and feel like I'm targetting this at you, I'm not. Just speaking in general terms. Thank you.) I get bored. I get nauseous. I get all restless. And hence the mono-syllabic answers. At times I feel that way cos I might be doing something else that could be of minor importance or not, but then again that's my goddamn business. And at times I might feel bored cos the same thing has been mentioned over and over again and we're leading nowhere discussing it over and over again. Not like I haven't given my 2 cents' worth, I have, but it's just that people feel the urge to repeat themselves.

Once people have read this entry, they might go, "Oh...have I been like so-and-so?" Or they might just want to judge me an start another opinion of me. Like maybe how selfish I am, or how thoughtless I can be. But hell, I'm me man. I can't be nice all the time. There are limits. As much as I'd like to listen to people's problems, there are limits as to how much I can take. It's not like people are the only ones with problems, other people also have problems. And sure, people's problems might appear major alongside other people's but then again, those are still problems. And no matter how major or minor the problems are, they still have to be solved. They still need to be talked about. I agree that sometimes I also rant incessantly about my trivial problems. I can empathise with people who do the same. We are, after all, human. And humans do rant, unlike animals.

When I think back on people's problems that I thought were incessant, I realise that those problems can be taken as examples. That I've been so big-headed and so goddamnfucking selfish. That I should have been a nicer person. That I should have tried to listen even if I didn't feel like it.

But yeah, I did try. Listened, though maybe with the utmost concentration. But listened all the same. Doesn't that count? =p

Gawd, I'm ranting. Sometimes, I can really be a big-headed bitch. *chuckles*

I really wonder why I hang around in the virtual room a lot. Maybe it's cos I find solace there. There's a sort of calmness that comes over me when I park my nick there. I don't have to be talking, but I have to be there. Absorbing in everything that I read. Looking out for friends. That's why I'm here. To make more friends and to keep them. It'd be a pity if I change friends like I change clothes, cos friends would feel hurt wouldn't they? And I'd feel hurt too if I were in my friends' shoes. So that's why. That's why I bother to listen to friends' problems even if my mood isn't too good. That's why I want to take an interest in my friends, cos it's only right I do. Besides family, who else would want to take an interest in them? (Okay, significant others perhaps, but those aren't included! =p) Complete strangers? There are maniacs and psycopaths lurking around. Not very safe.

Hmmm...somehow this is getting complicated. Okay, change of topic.

I was at Azila's just now with Abbas. We were in her room and we looked at photos, photos and more photos. I kinda like her room. It's spacious and clean (unlike mine which is dirty) and neat. She said her wardobe isn't neat but I beg to differ. Compared to mine, hers is far more organised. =p At least I could see the various colours of her clothes hanging by the bar. Mine are too packed together that I have to constantly pull and sift through before I'm able to get what I want. =p And then we stumbled upon a piece of guidebook from Pergas. More like the rules and regulations for studying there. Like, there's this dress code that one would have to comply with should one be interested to join.

I found the dress code slightly ridiculous. It's like, they're just too focused on image. Yeah, I know they want to produce tip-top and first-class asatizahs but then again, the tight dress code is too restrictive. I mean, picture this: A muslimah enters the class wearing a long jubah. She wears cotton pants underneath the jubah just like most of us do nowadays. Since she's slightly on the tall side (or the jubah is a 'lil bit short), the pants could be seen a little. Y'know, like just jutting out a bit. And she got reprimanded for that. Geez.

I find the whole thing ridiculous. I mean, okay so image is important since we have a duty to uphold our Muslim identity. But what if there are those youths out there who weren't Muslim to start with, and by and by they're interested to become world-class asatizahs and spread the religion around, yet they feel hesitant to sign up there cos of the ridiculous guidelines? Wallahu'alam...I know nothing more. He knows everything.

Somehow, the longing to see the Holy Land has come again. Initially it resurfaced when my Ibu voiced out her plan to go there for Haj. Then it resurfaced again when a friend said of her intention to perform Umrah. I'm so flabbergasted. I wish I can go Umrah at least, not to even say Haj, with my entire family. But look at our state now. We're still not ready yet.

Hmmm...Insya Allah, one fine day...just one fine day...