This is probably one of the rarest moments whereby I am openly writing your name and yada-yada-yada. Well, you know what I mean. In any case, you shouldn't even know about this and you should not be reading this. I suppose judging from my writing your name for anyone to see would spell forth trouble, but right now I would rather let my heart do the talking.

I am sick and tired. I want to move on. However, each time I try to do that, I end up hurting someone. I don't exactly feel hurt but I'm not exactly alright about it either. I'm just a little inbetween. I am an inbetweener. I rarely go to extremes but when I do, I don't like it. I just don't.

You notice I have been writing mostly 'I's here? Well, cos I think of me. In fact, I am. I have to admit that I still can't get over you, yes you. You you you you you. You and all-the-names-that-I-have-been-calling-you. All kinds of names. But I say them in jest. I'm not really hostile. I never was. I never intended to be. And I didn't really mean to direct it at you. I was having PMS!

I didn't think you were hostile. But then I didn't know what to think. You're right. I don't even know you in real life. I've never even known you. I don't know what you're like. But it's not that I don't want to. I just don't know how to. You've said it once. I don't want to hear those words again from you. Oh well, hell yeah...been there, done that.

At that time, I really wanted to get out and just meet up with you. All in the name of spontaneity. But I have my principles. Yes, my stupid rule. My stupid principles. Maybe I should never have had them in the first place, since they bring nothing but miscommunication and misunderstandings. Perhaps I should have just kept mum and said I was busy or that my mam needed help or something. Something. Anything! As long as I didn't meet up with you. But then I'd be lying. And even if I did see you, what kind of muslimah would I be? A cheap one? A twisting-tale one? I would rather not be, thank you.

You said yourself you were not ready for that kinda shit. I didn't mind. I was too meek. I should have been some self-absorbed bitch and railed at you. But I didn't. Why? Cos I understood. Okay, what crap is this...maybe I don't understand. I didn't understand it all. But I didn't want to rail at you. Did you expect me to rail at you?

Why did you tell me about all those girls? To make me jealous? Hell yeah, I was jealous. But I had my pride and I still have it. I told myself that I would not show you how devastated I was. No matter how much you were into them, I told myself no way. Hell yeah, I was good. Managed to control it. Took me 3 bloody years. I controlled it for 3 fucking years! All your Niras and Chinese girls and Lins and Syikins and what-nots. Oh well, they seemed nice yes. And I personally know that last bit there. Such a wonderful creature. But I still want to know why on earth did you show me all those stupid conversations and pictures and chat sessions?? I didn't need to know. I could have been happy in my own little world. But each time I tried to move on, you just pulled me back. So I'm blaming you now, so what? So sue me!

I'm trembling now as I'm writing. I am trembling. Shaking. Shivering. I would love to hate you, and at times I did. But I just returned to the sappy mode whenever you spoke to me. I'm like that. I fall for extremes, they said. But I'm no doormat. I am not a doormat. If you happen to read this, then you go and do some soul-searching yourself. Just beat it! I just want some answers! Stop patronising me! You didn't have to tell me you're moving out. You didn't have to tell me your new nephew's name. You didn't have to tell me anything personal in the first place. And yet you say you can't really tell cos it's a personal family thingy. Like..what the fuck man? I was calm. I accepted it. But why goddamn tell me in the first place??

Do you want attention? You know I adore you. I think you secretly know. Even though I have a mask covering my face, with my mono-syllabic and uninterested answers, you still know do you? What are you, a mind reader? Do you know what I'm thinking all the time? Do you actually know?

I wouldn't know, would I? I would never know. Not unless you come clean with it. Why all the body language and signals? If you see me as a buddy, then please, come clean with it. There's no harm telling me. Even if I'm a nobody, just tell me. I simply need to move on. I have to move on.

A friend said I have to open my doors. She said my door is closed cos I'm reluctant to let anyone in. But I can't just grab anyone that comes a-knocking at my door. They've been there. They have knocked. But I didn't let them in. Cos I didn't see the reason with committing myself in something that they probably took lightly.

A crush is not the same as an obsession. And I certainly don't have a crush on you. I am simply obsessed about you. Why? Because you are the excess baggage that I've been carrying. I know that I probably can never be anything more than a friend. But I wish that you would tell that to me loud and clear to my face. Don't leave me on tenterhooks. Please.

Enough is enough.